Whats been on my mind?
some may recall this post that I wrote shortly after my trip to ET.....So happy I took the time to journal this experience so that the raw emotions could live long on paper. As my days draw closer to my trip to ET, I am spending my nights thinking of you "B" the girls mother, and meeting her again. I woke this AM surfing for this post, reading each word in deep detail so that I can begin my letter to her. On my trip I will travel to Nazareth to entrench myself into the region of where my daughters are from, taking in the many sights, sounds, and the culture of the people so that I can fill them in on who they are in the years to come. ON Aug. 13, 2009 I posted........
No not my hands, but my daughter's birth mothers hands!
Going to ET w/one or shall I say two purposes in mind, could have never really prepared me for the way this story and journey would continue to unfold!
Landed in ET on a Wednesday (Aug. 5th), found out that day I had a court date and could attend the hearing on that Monday. I thought to myself how exciting. Never crossed my mom that that birth mom to "our: daughters would also be there.
Day of court......
I was caught off guard, as I sat in the pew next to the last one, looking at her as she entered the court room w/the rep from the agency. It just took my breath away, one look and I knew it was her.
I was introduced to her as they took their seats in the last pew right behind me. At this point my mind is going hay wire, so unprepared, no questions written down to ask her at all.
I could not contain myself, it was as if I was a kid, sitting in church constantly turning around to look at my church friend sitting in the pew behind me. I had to..I could not resist.......I had to get as many looks as I could and capture the moment in my memory that was on overload at this point.
I must have turned w/this silly child like grin on my face a million times looking and looking. As I looked I could feel her looking at me too. I quickly opened my note pad I had taken into the court room w/me, attempting to write questions down, but the words just would not appear on the paper.
As I gathered myself while the rep and birth mom were being called into the judges chambers, I could just feel my temples pulsating, as I told myself over and over again, make it count, make this moment for the girls count..... get all you can get, it is their story, and I am the gate keeper of it all.
Being caught off guard again, I was called to stand before the judge along w/the agency rep, and the birth mom. Now some may say Celeste you are always calm and in control, well I'm happy you were not a fly on the wall in that court room to see the time I was having w/gathering myself.
As we entered the judges chambers, which was right outside the court room, I don't even recall thinking this, but my hand landed on her(birth mom's) shoulder and I had to a chance to freeze time and look her in her eyes as she looked me in mine. A moment to me that lasted a hour but in reality only lasted a quick second.
After the judge said something I did not understand, she looked through the files and could not find the file for the girls.....but I showed no emotion, b/c my mind at that point was on obtaining info from the birth mom, not even thinking I was not going to pass court that day!!
We were sent back to the court room as we waited for the files that never came to be sent to the judge's chambers. Like a kid I sat constantly turning around looking for the girls features in her face.
Holding back tears each and every time I turned to look at her. Eventually I just let them come.
Birth mom w/agency rep went back into the judges chambers, then agency rep was sent to a different building to obtain the files, as I watched her walk back to the court building w/an empty hand I just knew, we did not pass court!!!
There was no time to cry, ask why, or act a fool!!!! I had a much bigger agenda. I needed a pic, I needed a close up so the girls would have a recent pic of their mom forever. So we walked out of the court room together. The air was cold, gloomy, and damp, and nothing but silence. As I thought, what do I say, what do I do, the only question that came to mind was, "Is there any thing she wants to ask me?" Well that was all it took, our conversation started.............
She had a book of baby pics of he girls, recent pics of the girls she wanted to show me, she also had no clue I would be there, how ironic is that, she would have those pics on that day. I hugged her really tight, for a long time, cried and said I promise.........
Wait it gets better........
I stood there on the busy streets in Addis and watched her as she dashed across the street to get into the car that was waiting for her, as she blew a two handed kiss to me, and I blew one back to her.......We waved until we could no long see her. I got back in the car and let the water fountain begin. I cried and cried, I think I made the driver feel bad........ I hear ET don't like crying!!!!
I quickly picked my note book up, jotted down our conversation, asked the driver over and over again, to repeat what she had to said to ensure there was no detail left out. I made sure I had every inch of detail written down.
After I got myself together, I told the driver this is my last day and I want to say good bye to the girls, this is when it gets awkward first and then better.....
He told me the birth mom was going to visit them and go home the next day......I just knew I needed to say good bye to them, but how would the kids do w/both of us being there? Was I being selfish to want to go back. As I thought to myself I needed to do the right thing, and allow her time w/her children, I said to the driver thats ok, you can take us back to the hotel, he said no, its ok, you can go, I explained to him the kids may not understand, and he said no, its alright.
So off to the see the kids we went.........
Made a stop at the baby house to drop off donations. Got to where the girls were and birth mom was not there. I thought maybe she changed her mind. I felt a relief lifted off me. As I entered the area where the kids sat to eat both girls walked over to me jumped in my lap as I kissed and hugged them non-stop. Just as I made the sign of eating and for them to return to their spot on the carpet........
The birth mom walks up the stairs..........
I moved the jacket of mine I put on the chair so she could sit right next to me. She put her bag down w/the photo book in it and went directly over to the girls, she kissed them, and hugged them. then she returned to the where we were sitting. I snapped pictures of the entire thing, batting back my tears at the same time.
Nothing but silence as the girls ate.......and we sat waiting for them to finish.......
Eventually they finished their food and came over to see their mom. Exploring every facet of her being from her hair to the toes, I moved and sat on the floor to capture the moment on film. I was sure not to give eye contact to the girls, not knowing how me being in the same room would make them feel.......I used the camera to hide my tears.......
I could see Helina just talking 100 MPH to her mom, seems as if she was explaining her week w/me to her mom, her mom, and shaddi was in her moms arms being held like a baby....
As I watched and took pics and video taped, it was a moment/a simple word that made my heart sink......
Helina, looked at me while I sat on the floor and said, "mom, come, mom sit" She wanted me perched right there next to them! At that moment I saw that their hearts were big enough for both her moms. That instant, I felt a burden being lifted off my heart, b/c I felt they were ok, w/me being there. The girls showed no difference in their reaction to me while their birth mom was there. I was called mom and so was she, rightfully so.
So once they shared the cookies their mom gave them w/me, I called for the driver to come and translate my questions, mom questions, and her dreams and desires she has for her girls living in America.......and there started our second conversation..........
I wrote it all down!
I will not go into detail a/b our conversation, but she is fully aware that "our" girls are going to the US, and I have to say in my humble opinion amidst it all she gave unselfishly so that her daughters could have a better opportunity in life.
I stayed w/her for two hrs......as I wished I did not have a plane to catch.......but I wanted her to spend time w/her children aside from me being there.
I was happy she was there.......the bitter sweet moment for me is when I got into the car turned to look at the steps the girls stood on to wave good-bye and blow kisses as the car would exit the compound daily were not standing there on that day. You all know the drill by now....
I got in the car as we drove up that rocky street headed back to the hotel, crying like a big baby............
More to come later........
Love Ya For Reading (LYFR)
